I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
