is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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