when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
