Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
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