I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
