i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
