ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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