wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
