Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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