ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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