I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
