I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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