My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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