you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
