everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
