I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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