Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
