Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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