I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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