Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
