How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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