Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
