Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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