I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
