i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
