ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
