and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
