I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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