I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
