I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
