I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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