I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Randomize
