I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
