Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i can't believe i had my finger in that
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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