What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
