I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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