How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
