Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
