Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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