gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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