I saw his package. It spoke to me.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
