I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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