When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
