My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
