When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
