P.S. I can't hear my feet
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
