I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
