why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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