Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
bring money and cleavage
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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