My Higher Power is John Stamos
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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